A Jay and Silent Night

Author: Tenhawk <tenhawk@gmail.com>

Rating : M

Summary : Visitors on Christmas even deserve special welcomes.

Disclaimer : Not my characters, I'm just playing with them... I'll put em back in (near)mint condition.

December 24th, 2001
Sunnydale California

"I'll get it!" Jonathon Levinson called out as he heard the doorbell ring.

The party was in full swing, music echoing from the rooms deeper into the mansion, and Jan was grinning a little goofily as he basked in the memory of a series of kisses he'd just recieved from Joy Lee. He pulled the door open and frowned as he realized that he didn't recognize the two guys at the door.

One was tall and lanky, dirty blond hair hanging from under his cap as he cocked his had impatiantly, the other was shorter and a little overweight, though it was hard to tell how much because of the heavy and long coat he wore.

"Uh... Yes?"

"Yo, hey man, we was told that there was a Jonathon Levinson here?"

Jon blinked, "Uh... That's me."

"You're Jonathon Levinson?" The lanky guy asked.

"That's right..."

"The same Jonathon Levinson that posts as Jedi911 on movie poop-shoot dot com?"

Jonathon's mouth opened a bit, but he nodded, "Yeah..."

"Did you post that, and I quote..." The lanky dude held up a thick sheaf of paper and traced it with his finger as he read aloud, "Jay and Silent Bob are one joke wonders who's only super power is latent homosexuality and bad gas?"

Jonathon stared for a long moment, "Well... yes..."

The two looked at each other, nodded, then before jonathon could react the blond slammed the paper into his face, a sharp pain roaring through Jonathan's face as it impacted with his nose.

"Ah!" he had a chance to scream before both of them slammed fists and feet into him, knocking him down to the ground.

He blocked one on instinct, then caught another boot in his chest, then blocked another, and felt them slam their fists down into his back.

"Take that, bitch! And that! And that! And some of that too!"

Jon rolled with a kick, then caught another boot in his hands as he reacted, yanking the blond haired loudmath off his feet.

"Ah! Bitch!"

A larger boot slammed into Jon's guts, doubling him up as all the air expelled from his lungs, and he curled up invulantarily as the wind exploded from his lungs.

"Oh you bitch! Hold im still, Silent Bob! I'm gonna beat the crap out of this little biatch!"

Silent Bob put a heavy boot on their victim, holding him down while Jay recommenced with the kicking. This was how Bob happened to see the entry of a tall man into the porch area, and the rather large handgun that seemed to appear from nowhere to fill his hand.

Silent Bob tapped his friend's arm.

"Not now, you tubby bitch! I'm learning this dweeb bitch some manners!"

The big gun rose up.

Bob smacked Jay's shoulder.

"What!?" Jay snapped up and around, glaring at bob while the other guy lay groaning on the floor.

Bob pointed over jay's shoulder.

"What is it, you Tubby fuck....." Jay trailed off, staring down the bore of a big forty four. "You know what, I think we got the wrong fucking house."

Silent Bob nodded enthusiastically.

"You have no fucking idea." Said Xander Harris as he thumbed back the hammer on his Desert Eagle and lay the barrel between Jay's eyes. "You want to explain why you two are out here pummeling a friend of mine?"

"That fuck!?" Jay asked pointing at Jonathon who was slowly getting up, "He had it coming!"

Xander looked over Jay's shoulder to where Silent Bob's eyes widened and the larger man shook his head rapidly, waving his hands as he stepped away from Jay.

"You're not helping your case here," Xander told the blond.

"Hey, I'm telling you, that whiny bitch had it coming! He called us homos and shit!"

Xander frowned, looking over at Jon, "You what?"

"I never saw these guys before tonight!" Jonathan protested, wincing as he held his side.

"Yo man, on the internet! You heard about that thing yet?," Jay asked, by this time ignoring the gun in his face. "Buncha fucknut freaks on there calling people names and shit!"

Xander looked over at Jonathon again, perplexed.

"I didn't do it!"

"Says you, bitch!" Jay exclaimed, grabbing up a sheaf of printer paper, "See? Right here... Jedi911 is you!"

"I wasn't talking about you, you dumb ass!" Jon snapped, "I was talking about Jay and Silent Bob!"

Jay threw the paper at him, beaning Jon in the head, "That's us! I'm jay, and the tubby bitch over there is my hetero life partner, Silent Bob."

Jon groaned, throwing the printer paper aside, "Jay and Silent Bob are movie characters you dim bulbs!"

"That were based on us, fucknut!" Jay snarled back, "That's like... debarkation of character!"

Xander looked between the two as the one called Silent Bob nodded earnestly, pointing at Jay. "You're fucking kidding me, right?"

Jay was about to reply when the door opened and someone looked out, "Yo, X.... What's going... Holy crap! Guys! We've got a sitch out here!"

Xander groaned then, as the party sounds suddenly died and about twenty armed people poured into the hallway, guns pointed at the only two people they didn't know.

Jay put his hands up so fast his shirt ripped, then twisted to look at Bob, "Man, we came to the wrong fucking house this time, bitch."

Bob just nodded very enthusiastically.

"Alright, alright, calm down!" Xander lifted his gun up, turning around, "It's under control out here..."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure, Jarod..." Xander nodded, "Look... this is some kind of weird screwup, that's all. There's nothing demonic about these two."

"Demon!" Jay screamed in fear, leaping off the ground and into Silent Bob's arms as he looked around sharply, "Where!?"

More than twenty demon fighters looked at the two, then over at Xander who just shook his head and sighed, "There's a story in here somewhere... but God knows, I don't want to say the words."

"Jonathon!" Joy Lee howled, pushing her way through the group so she could run to where jon was leaning heavily against the wall. "Are you alright? What happened?"

Jon just groaned, causing the asian beauty to cuddle him a little closer.

"Damn," Faith smirked, whispeing to Xander, "Jon's smooth."

"He learned from Jack." Xander whispered back.

"Ah." Faith nodded. "Stylin does know how to play the sympathy card."

"Considering how often he gets beaten up, he's had the practice." Xander hissed back.

"Who did THIS!?" Joy snarled, looking right at the two people she didn't recognize.

Jay's eyes widened as Silent Bob pointed right at him, then side walked away.

"Hey, wait a second! The Star Whores bitch had it coming!" Jay proclaimed.

He barely finished the sentence when Joy Lee's foot impacted with his head, snapping it back hard into the wall behind him. Jonathan had to hold her back as the lanky blond slumped to the ground, in a stupor.

"See, Jon?" Xander said calmly, "That's what we mean by killer instinct... this is exactly why we don't let you patrol without a good group to back you up."

Jonathan winced again, "Yeah yeah, I get it... Hon... please, It's Christmas, I don't think we should be killing them today."

Joy was about to respond when a burst of flame roared into existence, washing waves of heat over them all as a deep voice began to intone.

"Behold the metatron, herald of the Al..."

The voice was cut off by a single gunshot that roared, extinguishing the flames as a man in a suit jerked out of them and hit the wall hard enough to put a dent in the wood. As he slumped to the ground, Jay woke up and screamed.

"Holy ape shit! She killed the Angel dude!"

Xander groaned, shaking his head, "please... Miss parker, put the gun down."

"What?" Andrea Parker asked, looking over, "It was a talking fire... In this town, I figured that meant 'demon'..."

Xander wanted to say something, but everyone had turned their attention to the man in the suit who was groaning as he climbed back to his feet while pulling the silver bullet out of his forehead.

"Bloody hell, this is the last damned time I'm coming to America without calling ahead and making an appointment... No bleeding respect for traditions in this country, i tell you..."

"Voice," Xander spoke up tiredly, "What the hell is going on?"

The dark haired man glared at Andrea, who matched the look, redoubled it, and sent it right back, before turning to Xander.

"HE sent me," Metatron emphasized the word, causing Giles to pale a little in the background, "to ask that you not kill these two."

Xander looked over at them, impressed, "They're that important?"

Jay was preening himself as metatron shook his head, "not really, but we don't want them up there before we HAVE to have them up there."

"Excuse me, but what the hell is going on!?" Miss parker growled, her gun still aimed at Metatron. "Someone better tell me before I..."

"You'll do what!?" He demanded sharply, "Shoot me with that... Chicken!?"

Miss Parker suddenly let out a shriek that really didn't sound like her as her Custom Smith and Wesson vanished and was replaced by a live, squawking, chicken. "What the hell!?"

Xander sighed as the Chicken fluttered free, squawking around the room while Miss parker went for her backup.

"Cut it out!" He snapped over the general ruckus, "Someone catch the poultry, and you two don't move!"

Jay and Silent Bob froze from where they were trying to sneak out the door.

Xander turned back to Metatron, "Come on, jokes aside, why are you here?"

Metatron shrugged, "Honestly, just to advise you that we'd appreciate it if these two weren't harmed any more than absolutely necessary. They have a few more jobs to do as HIS prophets."

"Them!?" Xander gaped, "They're stoners! I can smell the stench of pot from here!"

"With your senses, I'm surprised you aren't stoned from there," Metatron replied dryly, then shrugged, "Moses was a drunk, Mary was a prostitute, and you don't want to know about some of the others. He is big on redemption... that and taking in strays."

Xander snorted, shaking his head. "You can have them for all I care."

Metatron smiled thinly, "Oh I don't want them, and thankfully I'm not the one who's destiny is tied to them. Though it is another 'Seraphim' who is..."

Xander paled, jerking around to stare at the Angel, but metatron was gone.

"Oh HELL no! You get back here you sanctimonious old fart!"

"Hey," Jay grinned, nudging his friend, "This is some funny shit when the guns aren't pointed at us..."

Bob grinned, nodding.

Xander's Desert Eagle snapped up, leveling right at jay, who through up his hands, "Whoa! Whoa, man! That head Angel dude just said you couldn't off us!"

"Actually," Xander snarled, "He *requested* that i don't... politely. Don't make me turn him down."

"Uh... yeah, dude... whatever the fuck you say man..." Jay mumbled out, then hissed aside to Bob, "Hey... this place is wack, but have you see the all the hot pussy over there? I've have GOT to hit me some of that..."

Bob nodded in agreement until several of the ladies in question practically snarled at the words, then he shook his head quickly and took a step away from Jay.

"What the fuck, man?" Jay went on, "You saying you wouldn't hit some of that? You're such a cock smoker, you tubby bitch! That is some grade A pussy meat back the..."

Jay trailed off as he felt something cold and hard nudge the back of his head, he looked at bob and gulped, "I don't want to look behind me, do I?"

Bob shook his head.

"Tell me one good reason why I shouldn't blow his brains over his fat friend, X."

Xander sighed, "because you probably don't want to be in the new revision of the bible as the bride of satan who slew one of god's messengers."

Miss Parker turned to look at xander with a confused look on her face, "Pardon me?"

"He's working for the Big Guy, you know the Capital HE?" Xander explained, "For the record, that guy you shot?"

Miss Parker nodded, eyes widening.

"The voice of God." Xander explained, "One of the top ranked Angels in the heavenly Choirs."

There was a long silence, then Jarod spoke up, "So Miss Parker just shot..."

"Yeah. Probably the fourth or fifth most powerful entity in the entire universe." Xander said wryly. "On the plus side, I'm fairly certain that she just got herself written up in Lucifer's good books forever... from what I'm told, Lucy always figured that 'Tron had a stick up his ass."

The silence stretched out, and Xander sighed, "Come on... it's a Party... let's get hammered and pass out the gifts!"

Everyone slowly made their way back into the mansion, leaving Xander looking at the two 'prophets' until they were nervously shuffling under his gaze.

"What the fuck," he said after a moment, "It's the holidays... Come on, let's get drunk."

"Yeah man! That's what I'm fucking talking about!" Jay instantly bolted for the party.

Xander watched him go as Silent Bob stepped up beside him, looked him over, then said, "Merry Christmas, Dude."

Xander nodded, "Merry Christmas."

The End


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